Rough week. Can't seem to get outraged about much of anything. I picked up Kevin's ashes on Thursday and put them in his office. Even with the ashes here, it still is so unreal to me that this has happened.

We didn't have a plot or a plan - and he'd hate being confined anywhere. I'm thinking I might visit major ballparks we never got to see and spread a little bit of him around at each one. Who knows -- at this point, it's too hard to think any more than a day ahead.

I met Kevin 18 years ago today. If he were here, he would roll his eyes and pretend to remember. But I remember the day as if it were yesterday. And he did too though he didn't admit it very often.

I was working in DC for the Communications Company - at that time headed by Bob Squier and Carter Eskew - I was the office scheduler and personal assistant to Bob and Carter...but I digress. Please also note that at this point of the story Kevin would be paying more attention to the Yankee game so feel free to go about your business 'cause this may take me a while.

The political director - a guy named Tom - said to me Friday afternoon that a bunch of people were meeting at the Circle Bar at the newly renovated Willard Hotel - this is 1986 - and that a couple of friends from New York were down for the weekend. A couple of high school buddies were moving a guy named Mike down to the area - Silver Spring I think. I remember thinking I was going to pass - the Circle Bar was the yuppie place to go and I was not into it - but for some reason I decided to go anyway.

I walk into the lobby of the Willard and see Tom sitting there. Sitting next to him -- on an antique desk of all things -- was a tall, slim guy with long feet and most of the hair on top of his head missing. But he had amazing eyes and a cocky, great smile. Now I'm not sure I noticed all of this in the first few seconds -- I remember mainly thinking "who the hell does this guy think he is that he can sit on a 200-year old desk?" So I said hello to Tom and Tom introduced me to Kevin.

We didn't stay long at the bar and everyone headed over to Dupont Circle to a relatively new restaurant called the Odeon Cafe. Kevin ended up sitting next to me at dinner and I remember he sat like he was in his living room - his arm slung over the back of my chair and his long legs stretched out to the side, crossed at the ankles. I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember walking to my car - I was giving him and his friends a ride to the Bottom Line for a nightcap - and I turned and looked at him and said "has anyone ever told you you look a lot like William Hurt?" I don't remember his answer. But I do remember his smile - and I turned and walked ahead and I knew he was watching me. The rest is history, as he'd say.

Top Five Movie Lines I Can't Get Out of My Head:

1) "I miss my husband" - Edna Spalding (Sally Fields), Places in the Heart
2) the entire scene with Billy Crystal as Miracle Max, The Princess Bride
3) "There's no crying in baseball" - Jimmy Duggan (Tom Hanks) A League of Their Own
4) "You're gonna rue the day you came up against The Extreme, baby. We're talkin' imminent rueage!" - Dusty (Philip Seymour Hoffman) Twister
5) "I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" - Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) Cast Away

These be dangerous times we live in as the noose around the First Amendment tightens for the second time in as many weeks. And don't get me wrong. I don't believe journalists are immune and there are times when revealing a source may save a life. This doesn't appear to be the case. In fact, it wreaks of intimidation and Nazi Germany. Oops, sorry -- don't know where that came from. Just bubbled up to the surface and out it came. But the similarities grow little by little -- who's putting all the pieces together?

I started back to work yesterday - from home, working as much as I can, stopping when I have to. It helps because the distraction for a little while stops the awful images in my head. But I hate the thought of getting used to Kevin's not being here. That's somehow more painful than the actual loss itself. How is it that life goes on?They tell me I'll understand someday - but there's no comfort in that. Again, it somehow is worse. But I know what he'd want me to do -- and he'd kick my butt and tell me to start thinking with my head - that's the lump that's three feet above my ass, as Jimmy Duggan said in "A League of Their Own," one of our favorite movies. I just keep telling myself - there's no crying in baseball. There's no crying in baseball.

Not that the GOP and Bush II's use of 9/11 for political gain is news to me. But I wonder - do you really think anyone in the Bush regime knows what 'invective' means? Just wondering.

My dad sent this link along this morning - figuring I could use the distraction. He was right. Mr. Nader's Baiting scares the shit out of me.

I am sure that if Kevin were here he'd have watched the Olympics beach volleyball competition tonight. What were those women wearing though? It looked like underwear to me. I'm in deep mourning but good gawd, that's outrageous. As my friend MB pointed out at dinner tonight, maybe if the equestrian competition included "uniforms" like that we'd be watching that during prime time too.

A new desk arrived yesterday for my home office. I forced Kevin to come with me to help me decide - something he hated doing - on May 29 because I couldn't stand another trip to a furniture store and I knew Kevin would wade through all my bullshit doubts. So needless to say, we found a desk for me pretty quickly. As I turn to go, I see a TV stand sitting next to the desk we picked -- which was weird given that we were in a room full of desks and not another TV stand to be seen. For those who have read my blog (see April 24 of this year), my nightly TV viewing - or rather my lack of viewing - was a subject of much discussion. So with the famous Carey Smirk, he bought the TV stand too. It was delivered July 26. After all my outrage, I got two nights of clear viewing. I'd give anything to have him in my way again. Anything.

When the furniture store wrote to lasat week to say they couldn't get in touch with me about the desk delivery, I was reminded of a short story about a baker and a mother dealing with her son's untimely death. And I wasn't looking forward to having the desk delivered - I thought it would be too hard. Instead, it's been very comforting and I see us both and remember that afternoon so clearly. I hope that never fades.

Even with all, or maybe specially with all, I've been through this week, when I heard McGreevey's resignation speech today, I kept thinking "his poor wife" over and over again. There's nothing worse in life than living a lie -- or someone else's version of what your life is. I'm glad he figured it out before any more time was wasted and I hope he and his wife can start fresh and find true love. That's the most noble thing of all.

Tried to make it down to DC for my sister's 40th birthday party tonight but Mother Nature stopped me. I actually think it was Kevin throwing a fit - I'd paid for a full fare shuttle ticket for the first time ever - he'd have hated that.

But waiting for the next possible shuttle - I headed home after the fourth one was cancelled, figuring it was a sign - I had a chance to do something I hadn't done since July 21. I read a newspaper. It was the NY Daily News so not sure if that really qualifies but it was close enough. With all that's going on in my life and the world, I'm grateful that the FCC says Buffy's not indecent. Don't these people have anything better to do? The show aired years ago - go home, hug your children, plant a tree. Do SOMETHING that matters for chrissakes.

Death, even one as shocking and unbearable as Kevin's, doesn't stop the outrage. I went to pick up a copy of the preliminary autopsy report yesterday and requested a copy of the hospital records on Kevin. Well, thanks to HIPAA, that's not possible. I need a letter from a judge stating that I'm authorized to view my dead husband's hospital records. Now you can't tell me that was the intention of those Congressional morons. But it is a classic example of how a well-intentioned but poorly written law can become a nightmare for people in so many ways.

I was able to pick up the preliminary autopsy report. Kevin died of a heart attack - a massive one. I was with him when he died -- and I tried to save him. I will never forget those minutes as long as I live. Though they worked on him for almost an hour between the ambulance and the emergency room, they never got a pulse. He never drew another breath. But I won't write much about it here. Kevin was a very private person and I've always respected that. I will say often he was my best friend -- and he could make me laugh any time he wanted to. Don't know where I go from here but will take it one small step at a time.

No words can really express this. I'm leaving in a few minutes to bury my best friend. The fact that he happened to be my husband was almost secondary. Kevin, I will miss you forever and I know you would be here if you could. I was thinking that there would be no more outrage left but then I realized that Kevin's dying is the greatest outrage of all for me.

The best thing about a story like this is reading the NY Post front page, or the NY Daily News lede. Cat-astrophe. Classic. I love New York.

Sometimes it's hard not to take these things personally. In a continuing trend, Pope J2P2 says feminists are to blame for...everything. Almost like Ratzinger is sending me a personal "get out of church free" card. With all that truly is wrong in this world -- corporate greed, class warfare, social injustice, sex discrimination, elitists, anarchists, fascists, racists - hell, bigamists even -- the most lethal of all are the feminists, according to a Vatican Letter released yesterday.

If I were Jesus, I'd be really pissed. Outraged even. How dare a bunch of old men talk about feminism -- something they obviously don't have a clue about! They equate feminism with bra-burning, free-love, hairy legs and armpits, man-hating lesbians that are trying to take over the world. It's just not reality, folks. Can't wait to see what NOW has to say. But in the meantime, please visit their store to pick up one of my favorite T-shirts. You ever feel like you're at war but you can't remember going through basic training?